“Finding yourself after a breakup”. Most of us have gone through a situation where you fall in love with someone, everything is going great, and out of nowhere things start to go wrong. Some people try fixing the situation, and some people don’t want to talk about whatever may be going wrong. This is where communication is put to the test, This is where love is put to the test and this is where understanding is necessary. It takes both people in a relationship to make it work. Some people say “relationships are hard” and some people say “Things are so easy and natural”. Through my own experiences and those of the people I have interviewed for this article, I have been able to learn the difference between a hard relationship and a natural one. Here are a few questions I asked people and the answers that led me to understand how important communication is while in a relationship.
Why did you break up with your ex?
Person 1 & 3-“We wanted different things in life”
Person 2- “They cheated”
What made you realize you didn’t want to be with this person anymore?
Person 1 – “I was unhappy”
Person 2 – “I was unhappy”
Person 3 – “I was unhappy”
Did you try to reconcile?
Person 1- “Yes, but they weren’t ready for a relationship”
Person 2- “I tried even after they cheated, but they fell out of love with me”
Person 3.) “I tried, but we both realized right now is not the time. We needed to find ourselves”
How were things after your break up?
Person 1: “Things were hard, I cried, I slept a lot, I thought about them every single day. I tried being friends with them, but that just made things harder. My heart would break after I saw them or talked to them every time because I wanted to be with them and knowing they didn’t really hurt. What hurt even more, was the fact that I knew they had started dating other people. I didn’t know how to feel. I would get angry because they would tell me they loved me yet didn’t want to be with me. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t until they told me they were not in love with me that I decided to completely move on”.
Person2: “Life was completely different. I went from spending years with this person, knowing them inside and out. To have them cheat on me not only made me sad, but angry. I felt disrespected and hurt. I asked myself over and over why. I didn’t understand what triggered them to cheat on me. I cried, I lost my appetite, I was anti-social, I didn’t want to do anything. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and it made me feel alone”
Person 3:” I was pissed!!!! I didn’t understand why I was in a relationship with someone who needed time for themselves, I was like why the heck can’t we just give each other more space while we are in a relationship, why do we have to break up. I saw a life with this person and for them to just throw everything we had away really upset me, but through our conversations, I realized how unhappy I was as well and it made me realize that we both really needed time away from each other”.
What helped you through your break up?
Person 1: “Books, inspirational videos, exercise, meditation, trying to find new hobbies, and surrounding myself with people who love me”.
Person 2: “Exercise! I started working out and it really helped me relieve the stress in my life, I also began to love my job, I wanted to do more and more at work. I consumed myself into my work and tried to find ways to make myself a more valuable asset”
Person 3: “Honestly, I went out a lot. Hanging out with my friends, dancing, trying new restaurants, and having a lot of laughs with those close to me really made me happy”.
How do you feel now?
Person 1: ” OMG I’ve really found myself, I’m, happy! I’ve found peace in my heart and have not only forgiven my ex for everything that has happened, but I’ve forgiven myself too. I have gained knowledge of what I want and what I don’t want, not only in a relationship but in life in general. I have self-love! I have to be honest sometimes negative thoughts creep in and I get upset about situations, but I tend to try to shift that and remember the good times and just appreciate everything in my life right now. It been a beautiful experience. I feel calm”.
Person 2: “I am happy! I wasn’t able to say that before, but I can now! It been a process. Sometimes I feel like I am still healing and other times I feel perfectly ok. I don’t blame myself anymore. I have learned to love myself! I’ve lost weight, I’m getting in better shape, and I feel healthy! I have forgiven my ex and even the person they cheated on me with. After I did that a sense of peace has come over me. I feel like I’m stronger than I was before and I can and have helped a lot of people who have gone through a similar situation”.
Person 3: ” I feel good, I haven’t fully forgiven this person, but I feel over them. I feel like I know what I deserve and I know my worth and my value! I feel like after I forgive them I’ll be at peace, but I honestly don’t really think about them very much right now”.
Do you still love them?
Person 1: “I have a lot of love for them, and I will always care about them. They were a huge part of my life and no matter what happens I will always want the best for them”.
Person 2: ” Of course I do, even though they cheated I will always care about them. I’m not in love with them but when you’re in a romantic relationship, that person becomes your best friend and I’ll care for someone who was special at one point of my life”.
Person 3.) “I care about them, they were an important part of my life and I’ll always be grateful for the time we had”.
Is there anything you would do differently?
Person 1: “There were times I lashed out at this person after the breakup, even before when we were together. I’ve learned to be calm, to be patient, and verbalize things more kindly. At the end of the day, I never want anyone I care about to feel hurt”.
Person 2: “I think I wouldn’t have snapped at this person as much as I did after the break-up, I would’ve just walked away and not said anything, but I guess it was all part of the learning experience and it made me who I am now. Maybe snapping at them then showed me how to handle things in a better way now”.
Person 3: “I probably wouldn’t have thrown things and cussed them out like I did, it’s not worth it and it only makes you upset and makes you look bad”.
Have you dated since then, what have you learned? What do you want in your next relationship?
Person 1: “I’ve talked to a couple people. One thing I have learned is that if someone wants to be with you, they will move mountains and really try. I’ve learned that being on the same page and wanting similar things in life makes things so much easier. In my next relationship, I just want someone who I click with, I am happy on my own and unless this person amplifies my happiness I won’t settle. I’m willing to move mountains for the right person and I deserve the same”.
Person2: “I’ve dated a couple people. I realized that you cant jump into things if you’re not ready. You have to find self-love and love yourself before you can love anyone else. If you love yourself you will have fewer problems, you won’t get as jealous and you’ll realize that you don’t need to be afraid of someone walking away or settling for less because you know your self-worth”.
Person 3: “I’ve dated, and through that I’ve learned that you have to be on the same page as someone else or else you’re going to waste your time, as well as the other persons”.
Through talking to each person one thing was for sure, each of them realized they were unhappy and after going through their own process of self-love they’ve been able to discover themselves and even find new things they love. Each of them knows what they want and don’t want and have found peace through forgiveness. They still have love for their ex’s yet are in love with themselves. None of them have any revengeful feelings towards their ex’s, they are concentrated on themselves. Love is described in many ways and if you let hate or depression prevail over you’ll be stuck. If you believe you deserve better and have hope and faith and let love prevail you develop this sense of peace and calmness that allows you to move on.
(Owner and Creator of The HFGL Project)